Confessions of the Absentminded

Wine…

Alan — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 08:59:20 +0000

There is this certain chemical within wine that has an adverse affect on the chemicals within my brain. I tried to study the chemical properties contained within this drink and found this equation:

A+S-W+5Wo = O +10F + H

Legend:
A = Cheap White Wine
S = Sober Alan
W = Will power
Wo = Warnings from Others
O = Ignoring outbox in phone
F = Feeling of utter mortification
H = Wanting to hide

I have found that by substituting the S with L (Lindsey) or g (Agnes) the L factor is constant.

I have written to the Public Health Minister and asked for the following message to be applied to bottles of wine:

“Mixing Wine with Alan can Seriously Damage Your Health and Result in Uncontrollable Environment”

I am still waiting for feedback…

round up

Alan — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 15:51:26 +0000

At work on Friday one of my colleagues said to me that I will never write anything on this thing again, so I am doing this to prove her wrong. I thought I would write about my week, well on the highlights…

Monday (the wind up & Quiz):
At work I suddenly realised that it was 11am and I only had 1 hour left to play a practical joke on someone for April fools. I thought I would pick on the lovely Lorraine, as usual. Basically I got one of my colleagues phone and texted her from it pretending to be this guy that got her phone number from her sister at the weekend. I know you may think this was childish but it was rather funny at the time. Anyway after her going nuts about her sister for about 2hours and getting everyone in the department involved in this I thought I should own up before she gets really upset – little did I know that she actually had the guys phone number in her phone, I felt a right twonk. So what started up as a wind up on her, ended up a wind up on me – but her skills at acting did surprise me… She has vowed to get me back, but that will never happen…

2nd part of the day was a pub quiz, it was fun and we came 2nd and won a bottle of wine – joy. Anyway, at the end I decided to walk Mel to the bus stop at 23:30 - just to protect her in case she got jumped or anything. I looked at the bus timetable and the number 44 was in 15mins time, and I thought that was not too long to wait – I can do the good friend bit and still be in bed by 12. The 44 came and then I realised it was the one that went to Eaglesham, and I was really looking for the 44a to Newton Mearns – which was not due till 00:25am. At this point I felt this utter test of friendship look from Mels eyes. Would I say with her and protect her from the nutters, or would I go home and leave her to be pillaged. I decided to stay, but I was subtly giving hints that I was not entirely happy. It got to about 00:15 and Mel was like would you just go home, forever set to my promise I said no, well until Mel said “You know, after a night out clubbing you have no hesitation on leaving me on my own, why the sudden change of heart?” I thought for two seconds and the answer was simple… I was sober. My hand went straight up to flag the next cab, but seeing as I was standing at a bus stop, a bus rather than a cab stopped for me – whoops. Anyway I got a cab and I was in bed by 00:30, I did feel slightly guilty, but Mel was kind enough to send me regular updates every 15 minutes until she got home at 01:30 – thanks Mel.

Hmm I can’t really be bothered going on about the rest of the week, as nothing that out of the ordinary happened (Dentist, MOT, and going out on Sat night). But I will finish with this funny quote I just heard on BBC News 24. Konnie Huq was being interviewed regarding her incident carrying the Olympic torch today:

Interviewer: Konnie, were you wearing anything underneath your tracksuit today in protest to the China/Tibet situation.
Konnie: No, I was not wearing anything underneath my tracksuit today.

If I was the interviewer I would have asked: Were you not cold?
But you could see the look on her face after realising what she said, Ha ha.

mocha light frappuccino (mission impossible)

Alan — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 22:27:01 +0000

Over the past few weeks I have become obsessed with the mocha light frappuccino from Starbucks. Why am I telling you this I hear you cry, well here is the situation which ended up a very frustrating Sunday afternoon drive. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling utterly dreadful from my two day alcohol binging session, although Saturday night was nothing in comparison to Friday. I have now blanked Friday night out of my mind, well it was more the drink that did this rather than me consciously deciding to wipe the night out – tip don’t drink Shochu on an empty stomach. Nothing horrific happened (sure others might disagree), just me being my usual delicately put self. Anyway after the Earth Night, I woke up on Sunday morning with this craving for the above mentioned frappuccino. After 2 hours of trying to fight the urge I decided to jump into the car and drive to Starbucks in city centre, which is only really a 2 min drive along the road. I got there to find it was closed for some reason, and I really couldn’t be bothered driving right into the city centre and fighting for a parking space. I decided to drive 10mins out of town to Silverburn, as I knew there was a Starbucks there. It took me about 30mins to get there and parked, and when I got to Starbucks the queue was out of the door. I tried to remain calm at this point, although the caffeine deprivation shakes were kicking in. I thought why not go for a wander and hopefully within 30mins the queue will have died down. After a series of frustrating events, where I nearly lost the plot with this kid who would not stop screaming whilst I was looking at shirts, I decided to return to Starbucks – the queue was even longer!! I was not giving up on this and I decided to get back in the car and drive back into town (so far it’s been nearly 1.5 hours of hell). Eventually I found a store in town and dumped my car right outside the store on some double yellow lines – I didn’t care at this point. After waiting 15mins in the queue I got my drink, halle’friggin’lujah!! I didn’t touch the drink until I got home as I wanted to sit down and savour the drink in my own surroundings and contemplate my journey of hell. I then came to this conclusion… It took me 3 hours to get this drink, why didn’t I just put the kettle on and put some frigging coffee & ice in the blender!!!

welcome to my world…

Alan — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 21:43:06 +0000

Hey! Welcome to my own little world, about all things me… I have set myself the goal of writing as much random stuff that happens in my life as possible, mainly because I normally get to told to shut up when I start of ranting about stuff. Anyway have a look about, if anyone is out there… To find out more about me click here…